Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Notice to All University of South Florida Students!

If you happen to know a guy who may or may not have dark hair (I couldn't see that well, it was dark) and drives a early-90s (maybe late-80s) model, dark red Toyota Corolla 4-door sedan with a standard Florida licence plate (not one of the ones you have to pay extra for) who was also on campus tonight (Tuesday) at approximately 9:15 - 9:20 PM, please let me know who he is and where I can find him and his car... He's got some karma coming due. He needs to have someone slander his mama for not raising her boy right. He possibly needs a hard bitch-slap (quite possibly). He might, if he's unrepentant, also not be undeserving of having his tires slashed and car keyed... and if Nemesis is feeling particularly pissed off, he may also need some sugar in his gas tank, you know, since it was used in the perpetration of a crime. (Okay, so I'm sure I wouldn't do all that. But I might leave him a nice letter. And if I saw him, I would tell him that "You're the son of sailor's whore and have one for a girlfriend too," since that must be the case.)

"What is this crime you speak of?" you might ask. As I was walking out of my very long and very painful class this evening, looking forward to driving home in peace and quiet and then doing some Latin homework, just as I reached the sidewalk to the side of the Social Sciences Building, he and his skank ass girlfriend shouted out his car window at me. The girlfriend's words were unintelligible, possibly slurred. His were quite clear: "Loose some weight!"


I did not know these people. It was entirely random and uncalled for. If I had left the building 30 seconds later or even 2 minutes before, they never would have seen me.

After slowing down to notify me, the only person on the side walk, of his opinion, he stepped on the accelerator, and they drove away, laughing as if they had just heard the funniest Lewis Black joke ever told. I did yell, "Bite me!" after them, but I'm sure they couldn't hear me over the distance, engine and their laughter at their own "joke" (obviously, they don't know that you're not supposed to laugh at them yourself). He was last seen at approximately 9:15 PM driving south on Maple Drive and turned left onto Alumni, speeding and cackling loudly.

It is my sincere and heartfelt hope that 10 minutes later he crashed his car into something really hard, and that both he and his whore are lying on some road somewhere slowing and painfully dying of their wounds... or better yet, that their car exploded just enough to melt the locks, but not enough that they die quickly in the flames... His parents and hers would deserve their unending grief because they obviously raised total blights on society and the world would be better off if those two abortions had never gotten away. God forbid they ever reproduce! I wish them both sterile! At the very least, I hope he gets a ticket for speeding in the very near future, if he was drinking that he gets a DUI. And since he's so cavalier with the speed bumps on Maple, I really hope his engine falls out the bottom of the car one of these days, just "plunk!" in the middle of the road. Total bonus if the ensuing and unexpected accident kills him.

I'll tell you one thing though. They're damn lucky I'm not an avenging goddess or their asses would be turning on the spit right now!

Seriously, goddamn, I don't have enough to deal with right now that I have to also endure *this* at the end of a really hard day in a long line of hard days? I feel like slitting my wrists and saying "fuck it!" to the world.


ilana said...

That was seriously rotten of them! I'm so sorry.. people are just inconsiderate, thoughtless, and nasty.

When I was in high school, my friend Barb and I were standing on the sidewalk waiting for my mom to come pick us up after the bus dropped us off, and one of our schoolmates drove by with a bunch of his friends. He rolled down the window, spat at us, and yelled "Bitch!"; mom called his father, who was a minister, and complained; the little brat had the gall to tell my mother, who is a naturalized US citizen, that she didn't know how things worked here, and that she had no business getting involved--which was completely irrelevent. The next day at school, he got nasty about it because his dad came down on him. Did he really think I'd just let it go? We both got called to the principal's office and the boy gave me some song and dance about how he was pissed because his father punished him. My response was "Then don't do it again." He shouldn't have done it in the first place, either.

Yeah... people are thoughtless, and some of them should be roasted at birth. But puh-leeze don't do anything rash. There are lots of people who care about you; we'd all miss you dreadfully! You're a wonderful, smart, attractive person, and it doesn't matter what some stupid twit thinks, or what his equally stupid twit of a girlfriend thinks. Just remember what Gracchus said (or what Charles Laughton said for him) "Corpulence makes a man reasonable, pleasant and phlegmatic. Have you noticed the nastiest of tyrants are invariably thin?" She's probably just jealous because she looks like a broom..

Rachael said...

Don't worry, with 35,000 students on campus I'm sure I'll never see him again and couldn't do anything rash if I wanted to. Thanks for your kind words and commiseration, Ilana. It means a lot to me. ::hugs::

And you are very right and so is Gracchus (I love that movie!). The one thing I could tell about them (because they were backlit and silhouetted by the streetlights) was that they were rather skinny people.

ilana said...

Alternatively, you could insult them in Latin. I always think of these things well after the fact.. *sigh*