Coming and going...

• I got in to the Grad Certificate Program at USF! YAY! So in the Fall, it is back to school for me! I'm really happy about this...



• My Spring Break starts on Friday. So I'll be heading out to South Carolina that morning. I need to gather the projects I'll be taking with me... and I've got a lot of laundry and packing to do before then.



• I finally sent my HitchHiker off to Dave at the Merlin Tree to have the second treadle added. It should arrive there sometime today, according to UPS. I have no idea how long it will take to get it back. In the meantime, I have no wheel here to use...



• My friend Andrea, who is pregnant, is due in a matter of weeks! She thinks she'll be a little early, but of course, there's no way of knowing until it happens. We're all so excited for her!



• Unless my friend Maria gets a job in the next week or so, she's going to be moving back to Tampa. She's in DC right now. So, it looks like, unless a miracle happens, I definitely won't be going to DC this summer to visit with her. That kind of bums me out because DC is a lot of fun. But of course, she'll save a lot of money by being home, so that's a good thing. I'll still have to go up to Front Royal at some point to see about the Mach II wheel I want to get though...



• Must remember to upload pictures of my garden to share. It is looking beautiful right now!

Education in Florida and why I might not be a part of it in the near future

Florida education is in trouble. Everyone knows it. It's not news. What Repulicans in the legislature are trying to do with it now is news.

Governor Charlie Crist and Senator John Thrasher (who wrote the legislation) plan to make teachers' salaries and continued employment based entirely on how their students' perform on standardized tests. These are (the already passed) SB 6 and (the soon to be voted on and expected to pass) HB 7189. Teachers will even have the threat of loosing their teaching certificates if their students don't make the mandated gains. I would make jokes about the legislature getting medieval on us, going back to the policies of the University of Bologna circa 1090 CE, but the details of this legislation make me physically ill and I can't. It's too disgusting and too disheartening. I can't enumerate them all here. Please, go here to see what this is all about. It breaks my heart.

What is clear to me in all this is that I am and what I have to give are not appreciated in this state, not by those who would employ me and not by the parents if they would allow such legislation to go unchallenged. The service that I was hoping to do for my community is not valued. If this legislation passes, it would be impossible for me to teach in public schools in this state. I will not do it. To teach under these conditions would be absurd! There are 49 other states out there and there are many private schools. I will get my teaching certificate, meet those requirements, and then I will take my youthful enthusiasm and desire to inspire young minds and I will go somewhere I will be properly respected for it (at least in the way I'm dealt my salary from my employer, in the way my contract is written, and in the way I can actually gain tenure and have advanced degrees and years of experience mean something to those who employ me - we all know that teachers aren't respected in general... that's why legislation like this is even possible).

The usual...

A random update...

• I've been a little sick for a week or so... I thought at first that it was the crazy wet and cold weather we had last week, and then I thought maybe it was the weather and/or indoor allergies, which would be unusual but not unheard of, but it was just too annoying and persistent. It's probably a sinus infection, according to the nurse at the clinic... and now that I have antibiotics, I think it's getting better. I'll know better by tomorrow afternoon, as I've only been taking them for 24 hours and while I think I feel better, I couldn't say for 100% certainty.



• We just heard today that my brother is moving home from California to go to school. He'll be here on Monday. Not totally sure how I feel about that yet... I hope he does well.



• Meanwhile, I've been preparing my application for the Graduate Certificate program I want to do to get certified. It's due by March 15th. I have everything finished and together and sitting on my desk in an unsealed envelope, except the letter of interest/statement of purpose. They are quite vague about the requirements for it, and in fact, somewhat contradictory in the instructions, other than the very limited "250 words or less" specification. I've emailed the program requesting a clarification of instructions, but I have yet to hear back.



• I'm loving work... I find it rewarding and enjoyable and I feel valued, competent and helpful. I think that's important.



• I've been knitting a little bit. I just need to finish up a few decorative touches and I'll have two baby hats done for a friend who is expecting. She's a Firefly/Serenity fan, so I've made her a Jayne hat, as well as a hat for which I just happened to have yarn in my stash. I've also given her booties... Next is a blanket, but I haven't completely decided on a pattern yet. I have until mid-April. Other than that, I want to work on a few things for myself. I need a new pair of fingerless mitts. I think I want them to be a little longer than the Fetching mitts that I have already. The only problem with the Fetching mitts is that they aren't quite long enough to cover my arms to where my coat sleeve ends whenever my arms aren't just hanging at my sides, you know? I might make cuffs too. I also want some anklets, and another hat.



• I need to send my Hitchhiker to be converted into a double-treadle. I keep forgetting to pack it up and send it...



• I want to spin. My unspun fiber stash continues to grow unabated and is so very tempting. I'm running out of room for it too... I can't wait until I'm able to get to VA to try out a Mach II. The more I think about it, the more that little number is #1 on my list of potential new wheels.



• I'm obsessed with Star Trek again. I'm a Trekkie. I'd never deny it, just like I would never deny being a huge and hardcore fan of Jane Austen and the works of JRR Tolkien. I liked ST: Voyager for a while there, until it started to get silly toward the end. DS9, since it ended, has been my favorite ST series for the execution of the overall story (frankly, I thought it was masterfully done)... I remember using the philosophical concept of IDIC in some capacity in a paper during my sophomore year of high school. Never watched Enterprise because I thought it wasn't very well done. The writers of that show just weren't particularly interested in going along with previously established canon and just made things up as they went along if it served the story - lazy, tsk, tsk. And I was never into TOS very much until the new movie came out last Spring, but now I've watched every episode of TOS on YouTube (it's up there under CBS's shows) and I would be lying if I didn't say that I want to get some Vulcan ears and go to conventions. It's a sickness and I don't want the cure... Couldn't make it to DragonCon this year, when Shatner, Nimoy, Stewart and Mulgrew, among others were all there. It was unfortunate, but it was just too expensive for me. I'll get there eventually though.



• The garden needs doing, but the weather was awful for a while there, so I'm behind on that work. Hopefully, this weekend, I'll get a lot of work done. Can't plant things yet, but I need to redefine the planting beds and put in the soil amendments and figure out what I'm going to plant.



• I can't remember if I've written about it yet, but I'm taking Hebrew lessons on Wednesday evenings. I really like it and it's about time I learned...

Home and getting ready for Autumn...

I got home late last night from my very long vacation. I had never been away from home for so long before. Two whole months. It's strange to be back. Good, but strange.

There will be pictures and details of the trip just as soon as I can figure out how to transfer the photos from the laptop to the desktop. Hopefully, it will be done by the end of the weekend or certainly early next week at the latest. *crosses fingers*

Seasons are changing, whether I can feel it in the air yet or not. The garden is totally finished for the warm season. I need to get to work on it for the cool season garden, but I have a few weeks yet until it becomes imperative. My dad has given me a headstart by getting rid of all the weeds that had invaded the planting beds while we were out of town.

I'm getting ready for another school year of subbing. Not signed up for classes myself yet, but at least I've figured out what program I want to do. The Grad Certificate program at USF for Social Science Education. *nods* For sure.

I may have two cavities in two of my bottom-right molars. I've never had cavities before. Must go to the dentist. *sighs* This is what I get for not going to the dentist for 8+ years... although I think the blame truly lies with the bout of acid reflux I suffered earlier this year and last. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Also, in much, much brighter news, it's almost time for more Supernatural. Based on this preview, I have a sneaky notion that this season just might kill me with its awesomeness.

Also, the gag reel from last season is out on YouTube. I lol'd a lot!



Season 4 will be out on DVD on September 1st. WOOT!!!

Today was the greatest day of them all...

Okay, so maybe not, but that line from the Smashing Pumpkins song just went through my head when I was trying to think of a title for this post.

But.

Today was AWESOME! Just so you know...

I got to class. A major plus. Afterward I got together with Stacey and we went to the College of Education and got info on their Masters of Arts in Teaching programs in the fields we're interested in. It would be so amazing if she and I get to go through the MAT program together! I think neither of us would feel so alone doing that if we have each other.

After that, we got together with Mia for lunch in the Marshall Center (which is the Student Union), and very soon Chelsea joined us. I was so happy because I haven't seen any of them in months! Even though all of us, with the exception of Stacey, go to school there and are on campus just about everyday. You'd think we would see each other more, but no, we are all so freaking busy and our schedules completely conflict. So YAY!!! we had lunch, then went to the mall to get boba and chocolate (which might be why I'm so hyper now because chocolate turned into chocolate + candy and I's on a SUGAR HIGH right nao), and then Stacey had to head home so we said goodbye to her and then the rest of us headed to the used bookstore near school and moar fun tiemz ensued.

Came home, got my presents from Ilana, and finished Jensen's hat! YAY!!!! *runz arowwnd liek a crazy* (I told you - sugar LOL! *facepalm*) It only took me three days from when I cast on the stitches on Saturday...

Oh, and I has pikturez... Thank God for camera phones, 'cuz I still don't have the computer cable for my digital.

Looks way better on than it does not...


Yes, that is LOST on my tv in the background...


And the other side...


Has a neat little decreased top, it does... See the nice pattern:


And from the front... :D Tha's me...


This hat is so comfy. In my hands, it feels like it might be itchy because the wool is tough, not silky, but then when I put it on, it only feels warm and cosy, not at all itchy, not even on my ears. And if it's not itchy on me, I don't think anyone would find it so.


It's made out of 70% Corriedale wool and 30% mohair, handspun 2-ply that I made from roving from Yarns, Etc. in Greensboro. The hat pattern is the Cashmere Rib Hat by Jessica at Fig & Plum.

So busy!

I don't know where this week went, but it's obviously gone now. I did horribly on my Latin test on Thursday. Probably worst grade of the semester (hopefully, will get no worse *knocks wood*). But I will not dwell on things I can't change now...

I went to the RenFaire last weekend, when it rained all day, but I did not care, and also again yesterday... My dad had gotten comp tickets from someone he knew through work and since I didn't get to buy anything while it rained (didn't want any of it to get wet), I wanted to go again before it ended for the year... This week, weather was perfect. Pictures will be forthcoming from both weekends as soon as they are uploaded.

I got a picnic basket and a fox tail... yes, an actual fox tail... yes, PETA would hate me... yes, I hate me a little for it too... but not enough not to get it from one of the leather workers... (Those were all the answers I gave to the questions my mom asked when she saw I had it.) *sighs* ... It's silver. And soft. And hangs off the back of my corset. I like. It's costume swag.

Picnic basket is for picnics at Hillsborough River State Park. Yay!

Other than that, been spinning and working on Sophie's birthday present way ahead of time. Got some of Jared's stuff spun. Ordered some green Corriedale and some gray super-fine Corriedale from coppermoose on ebay. It came a few days ago and I've been working away ever since. Will be nice. I like it a lot already. I think some of the gray will also be used as stripes for Jensen's hat.

Only one week left til EyeCon in Orlando. I'm going with Susan. Jared, his girlfriend Sandy, Samantha Ferris, Alona Tal, Jim Beaver, Chad Lindburg, and several other people from Supernatural will be there. Plus, a lot of Supernatural fans that I've met online from as far away as Australia. I'm very excited about it. There will be much rejoicing.

Still to do:
I have to pick out clothes and shoes... figure out what I'm wearing to the Platinum Party and the PJ Party especially. I need to find/fix my slippers. I also need a haircut and a pedicure... and figure out what crafty things I'm taking with to be working on... and an additional um... memory thing... for the digital camera would probably be wise in case I don't have any way to upload while there and take more than 651 photos... which is possible... it's almost three full days of fannish squee after all...

Also, behold:



Oh lord! I hate Dr. Phil!

What I did last night...

Went to see Maya Angelou last night at the Sundome here on campus with my friend Mia. I almost didn't go because I had homework and it was ridiculously cold outside and I had no jacket, but I'm so glad I did. And I got my homework done sitting in the warm Sundome before her lecture started so it was all good. She was awesome and amazing and made me cry and laugh at the same time. Such an amazing person and phenomenal woman (I don't mean to pun her poem, she really is... there's just no other word that comes even close to covering just how glorious she is in the English language). *loves her* There will be pictures eventually. I have to get them from Mia.

She spoke some poems, some she has written and some written by others, including one of Shakespeare's sonnets. and she spoke about her love of written words and how important they are. And she said over and over and over until we laughed that she kept saying it that we all needed to go to our library to talk to our librarians because that's what they're there for and to read some poetry. Any poetry. Because she said it belongs to us and was written for us, so we should at least see what it is. And she told us about some inspiring people she's known in her life, like her grandmother and her Uncle Willy. She said we all need to appreciate and realize the rainbows in the clouds of our life and realize that we are also rainbows in the lives of other people, each and everyone of us. And I think that's so true. Amazing, amazing, amazing... If you ever get the chance to hear her speak, go! Do it!

There were so many people there that it took an *hour and twenty minutes* to get off campus and we were only parked about 1/2 mile from the edge of campus, or not even that far. So much traffic and not a campus cop in sight to direct it and people were being asshats. Very sad that. But still, there was music and talk of Maya and also our favorite tv shows and roving because I got samples yesterday from my favorite supplier, Yarns Etc. in Greensboro, and I had the samples in the car to discuss and pet, so it was all good. I'm going to be making hats in the next month or so for the actors on our favorite tv show 'cause I can and I think Vancouver is cold enough to warrent hand-spun, hand-knit hats...

Woot!!

Ding-dong, my paper's done!
Which old paper?
My very last paper!
Ding-dong, my very last paper's done!

LOL! Okay... enough with the trip to Oz... I finished my Theory paper about 30 minutes ago and just finished getting dressed, a full hour and half before I have to leave for class - go me! I usually procrastinate much worse than this. I'm only waiting for my mom to get home so she can read it over for readability, etc. because I've been staring at it so long, I can't say anymore. Just wanted to share the news! Wish me luck with the grading now, as it is the "where did you copy this from?" Nazi who will be doing the grading...

The Conclusion to the "WTF!?!?!" Saga...

Well, got word from my prof. He says that he doesn't approve of the way I used that source he wanted to check... and despite the fact that he said we only needed to use 4 or 5 sources, and I used 4, he says I have too few sources... but he goes on to say, "Nevertheless, you show that you understand the point of the paper and the nature of historiography, so your grade for the paper is 'C.'" Well, that's nice... I got a "C" and I'm not an asshole, so I've got something on him, don't I?... And even so, all I need to get on all my work in this class is a "C" or better in order to pass, so ultimately I'm fine with it.

An update on the "WTF?!?!?!" situation...

Got a note back from my prof as to what the issue is... This is what he has to say:

"Since you rely on this book to present briefly the views of several historians, such as Elizabeth Brown and Martin Aurell, who do not actually have essays in the book, I want to see what the book has to say about them."

That's all he said...

My annoyed face continues... For this, he can't grade my paper? Something is stinky with this situation, ladies and gentlemen.

I have gone over my paper with the above statement from my prof in mind, and this is what I've found:

These historians he named that I named (and also one other)... while they did not write articles that were presented in this book, Elanor of Aquitaine: Lord and Lady (which is a collection of academic essays), I quoted them from quotes attributed to them in this book, either from the prologue or from the article I cited, noting in the text who it was who wrote each of these things, as well as citing them properly according to Chicago standards (the style we were required to use)... That seems perfectly resonable usage to me... What's wrong with it? ... I got nothin'... ::eye rolls:: Really, now... What is this man thinking? I don't understand why that prevents him from giving my paper a grade...

WTF?!?!

No, seriously, WTF!?!?!

My Theory prof e-mailed me today... an e-mail I just got about 30 minutes ago because I was so exhausted after this week that I literally slept for almost 20 hours... Going to sleep when it's dark and waking up when it's dark again is extremely disorienting and disconcerting to me. ::sighs:: That aside...

My prof e-mails me to tell me that there's a problem with my histiography paper, which is a 5 page paper on a topic having to do with the movie that we have to watch for our big term paper, due a week from Tuesday, about which historians disagree. He didn't name the problem with my paper, just made it clear that there is one, on a *Friday* when no one will be in the office until *Monday*, and asks me to bring in one of my sources for the paper on Monday and have the secretary put it in his mailbox because he'd like to take a look at it. He didn't tell me what the problem was and he didn't say he'd like to talk to me in person. He wants to see the book. As my friend Mia likes to say, this is my annoyed face. ::points to face:: I'm especially freaking out because he's already accused me of plagiarizing once this semester already and I think he's looking for it. I think he wants to make me out to be his one plagiarizer this semester because he says he always finds one... The hell he will because I sure didn't do it! And he can't prove something I didn't do.

I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say this. I did not plagiarize on any paper. I never have. The very idea is utterly abhorrent.

WTF?!?!

I do not need this shit while I'm trying to write other papers and pass my damn class. I really don't need it causing me health problems and ruining what had promised to be a relaxing weekend.

::sighs::

Finally got my make-up assignment done for Theory... my paper on Natalie Zemon Davis. She's pretty cool, ya know? Thank God it's done. It was only 5 pages so it didn't take too long to write but it took me forever to get it ready to send and it's technically late because of that. Although, he might not notice the timestamp or care to count it late, since either way he won't get it until tomorrow morning. I told my prof that I was having a hard time converting it to the format he needed it in to be able to open it on his computer as an explaination of why it was sent at like 12:40... instead of before midnight. I'm really not good at navigating the new Microsoft Word, which is hella un-user-friendly. I wish I could just use the old version of it... the 1997-2003 version it's now called... but I don't have it since they don't issue new computers with it anymore and even the computers at school all have the new version (this is a change since last school year when they all still had the older version). :-( If it worked for 7 years in that old format, why did it need to be updated to this convoluted version? Really, it was truly infuriating.

Before that, my internet was on and off because of a Trojan virus that got past my Norton... It was screwing with the function of my browser as well as with my Norton (wouldn't let it send messages to Norton's security center or turn the auto-protect on. So that took from Wednesday morning til this morning to find the time between studying and research to find the right fixes in Norton to update so it could be ferreted out, but Norton eventually managed it and I got all my programs back up and running virus-free. Watch out, everybody, keep your anti-virus stuff up to date and run scans regularly. For serious.

Oy! No wonder I'm a luddite, really...

In other news, I've been dealing with either stress or a slight stomach bug for most of the week. Ick! Feel crappy most of the time... Although, it's been getting a little better since yesterday... at least I'm not getting heart-burn every time I eat now... Mia thinks it's stress, since it hasn't actually been bad enough to cause either a fever or actual revulsion toward eating and tends to be worst when I have a lot to study. I think I'm inclined to agree with her, but if it is stress, it's a new reaction and I almost wish that my arms were going numb again cause an upset stomach is way worse...

Sour Grapes for FSU!

Now, I'm no great fan of football, even of my home team, the Bucs, and my school's team, the Bulls... I really don't care all that much about it... I have better things to be doing. Like studying! Football is just not important to me.

But I must say this article (sent to me by my friend, Maria) is rather shocking... I can't believe it was even printed...

Just how sour *are* those grapes, Frank? 'Cause you sure are suckin' 'em hard!

*****************

USF still no FSU
By: Frank Longobardo
Posted: 10/4/07
© Copyright 2007 FSView & Florida Flambeau

If a college football fan from the state of Florida was in a coma for ten years and suddenly woke up today to see that the University of South Florida was ranked in the top ten, they would be quite perplexed.

That person would have only known South Florida as a Division 1-AA independent team in 1997 and then look at the current top 25 rankings and be confused that Florida was the only one of the big three schools that was ranked.

Though I haven't been trapped in a coma for ten years, I still look at what is going on today in college football in the state of Florida and I am also quite perplexed.

While what South Florida has done in their short existence of ten years in playing football is nothing short of amazing, I am already tired of seeing the entire state and now the entire country jump on to the USF bandwagon.

Congratulations USF, you've made it. But don't start comparing yourself just yet to FSU, UF or Miami, three schools with incredible football tradition.

Yes, they have had a great season so far and have upset two big-name programs in Auburn and West Virginia, but look at those wins a little bit closer and they are not that impressive.

Winning at Jordan-Hare Stadium is huge for any team outside of the SEC, but this is not a typical Auburn team. Yes, they did beat Florida at the Swamp, but Auburn lost to Mississippi State at home and struggled with New Mexico State at home for the first half.

As for their victory over West Virginia, while South Florida's defense has been solid all season; but my guess is that if Pat White was healthy and played the entire game, the outcome would have been different.

USF may have forced six turnovers against the Mountaineers, but their offense committed four of their own.

That leads me to Matt Grothe, who everybody said was the next big thing at quarterback. I, on the other hand, have not been so impressed. He had two interceptions against West Virginia and is only ahead of one other starter in the Big East in passer ratings.

All of this leads me to my biggest gripe, which is the University of South Florida overall.

First off, their fans, a.k.a. students, aren't the brightest crayons in the box considering all it takes to get into USF is an online application and $30 - no essays needed.

They don't even have their own stadium. I know that they are only a program that is a decade old and Raymond James Stadium is right there, but how can you consider yourself a big-time program when you don't even have your own stadium?

Speaking of UCF, the only way South Florida could get a non-conference rival was to get a contract with the Knights, which is not even being renewed after this season. In fact, up until a few years ago, USF refused to even play UCF.

Not to mention the fact that the only time USF can sell out a game is when they are playing West Virginia in prime-time on a Friday night. I would like to see them sell-out on a consistent basis.

Does USF even have a fight song? If they do, I would like to hear one of their students recite it; they probably couldn't.

Their little Bulls hand gesture happens to look a lot like Texas' Hook 'em Horns hand gesture. That's probably because its the same thing and they ripped the Longhorns off.

Their coach Jim Leavitt, who helped start that program from scratch, will definitely jump at a big offer that he gets from a national powerhouse program.

I would like to see South Florida's fans travel like Florida State's or Florida's fans do.

I mean the 'Noles played a neutral site game against Alabama, who was only ranked 22nd and FSU was unranked, and Jacksonville Municipal Stadium had 85,000 people in it; more than were at the Super Bowl about three years ago. Could USF do that?

UF does that on a yearly basis, better than Florida State does, with their annual game against Georgia in the River City.

Finally, I know that Florida State still has two open slots for non-conference games for the 2008 season. My suggestion to Dave Hart and the rest of the administration in the athletics department, schedule South Florida for next season.

Make the game either neutral site for a one-time deal or a home and home series and let's see if USF can hang with the big boys of college football in the state of Florida.

*************************

We at USF, unlike at some other Florida schools, aren't on a high horse. We know that we're a new program. We know that this winning streak might not last. We know that there are other teams out there that have longer, most fabulous traditions than we do. We aren't being pretentious. We're just enjoying things while they last and for what they are... Chill the fuck out, Frank. And keep your opinions about USF limited to the football program. FSU ain't exactly the Harvard of Florida either, ya know? Not having to write an essay to get into a school, doesn't mean that we don't have standards. We all have to pass the same high school standards in Florida. We all have to earn the same minimum GPA and exceed the same minimum SAT and ACT scores. We all have to pass the same CLAST exams, writing requirements, and general education standards to earn a BA. Come on! A single stupid 500 word essay admissions requirement is not what makes or breaks a university's academic standard!

Mmmm....

Theraflu is a wonderful thing 'cause Nyquil just doesn't do it for me anymore... I only wish that it didn't have enough acetaminophen in it to bring down a horse... I exaggerate, but seriously it's got 1000 milligrams a dose. That's a lot, especially considering the evidence of liver damage from high dosages... I need to get some more if and when I go out tomorrow though because I only have one packet left. They do have some types without acetaminophen, I think. Anything to make the headache and the sore throat go away... Oh and I can't remember the brand, but these things are called "Shower Soothers." They're like bath fizzies, except that they are used in the shower instead and smell of wintergreen and eucalyptus and other stuff that help with congestion. They are really nice and work pretty well.

To catalogue my symptoms for the record (skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear about them. I tried not to be graphic.): as of 4:30 am on February 9th, I have relatively minor sinus pressure and related minor headache, probably due to congestion... possibly some minor upper repertory congestion that is breaking up causing me to cough, and visibly inflamed tonsils, uvula and surrounding tissue resulting in a persistent "scratchy throat" feeling. All this has persisted since around 12 midnight yesterday. I've found that gargling the Theraflu before swallowing helps (although it does taste completely nasty). Previous symptoms of stomach virus have entirely disappeared.

For now, I'm off to gargle some salt water. Heard that it helps. Tips and advice are welcome...

... In other news:

I've figured out how to use my spinning wheel now. (Woo!) I've done about three balls of what is right now Corriedale lace-weight singles (averaging 22 wpi) over the last three days. I may eventually ply it all into something that will be (I think) around a dk weight 2-ply. It depends what I decide to make with it. I've got a few options and ideas at this point.

I also continue to work on the twilight hood and the heartwarmer. I've put down the heartwarmer for the time being though, trying to get the twilight hood done. I've got only a few dozen rows left on it. I'll finish it tomorrow or the next day probably with no problems.

Still working on the garden. When the sun comes up, I'll lay out more row plans. I've got the tomatoes, bell peppers, hot peppers, and eggplant already laid out, and the approximate areas for the corn. I'm also getting the herb garden ready. The basil will go in the ground next week when the tomato, eggplant and pepper seedlings are ready to be planted, followed by the peanuts, sweet marjoram, and milk weed along the front walk for the butterflies. By the end of February, with Joe's help, the sweet corn will be planted, as well as everything else we'll be growing this season (yellow squash, cucumbers, okra, green beans, maybe field corn). For the rest of the season, I'll be adding other herbs and trying to get the silly pond in shape... I probably should have planned it out a bit better, but I can't see how I could have. It will look a lot better once there are plants in it and around it and the mulch is down.

School is going well. I've got about three weeks til the midterm exam. Not really worried at this point...

Can't think of anything else until this darned virus goes away...

Wishes and fears

Well, I wish I could say that this has been an altogether delightful birthday, but it hasn't due to one reason. Not only have I gained yet another year, which is, by all means, better than the alternative, 'tis true... but I have also just had my major phobia poked at. I'm taking Introduction to Religious Studies this semester... or rather, *might be* taking Intro. the Religious Studies. I can't get a religious studies minor without it. But there are at least 2 papers, each 5 to 7 pages long and one ten page paper to do for the class, and all of that's a major pain in the ass, but I could deal with it... In addition to that, I have to give a ten minute oral presentation on a topic of the instructor's choosing... Ten minutes!? Oral presentation!? Topic of instructor's choosing!? Could there be more horrible news? No... there could not... I'd write three 50 page papers rather than do this. Took all my self control not to hyper-ventilate in class at the mere thought... held til I was almost home. Then I sat in my car for several minutes feeling distinctly light-headed, sobbing and gasping uncontrollably... Now, I'm sitting here typing, drinking a vodka tonic (which is actually pretty good), trying to steel myself enough to go plant the trees that are waiting in the backyard. I suppose I'm going to have to write to Ms. O'Brien and see if there's any way around it. It is only 10% of the grade, so I wouldn't get a horrible grade in the class if I just said "fuck it," but it'd be nice if I could just do something else... I might just drop the class and spend the semester really getting into my major and focusing on that subject more in depth and to hell with a minor, which I've already done all the classes but two for anyway... do I really need a piece of paper to verify it?

I've been trying to figure out the root of this phobia. The best that I can come up with, as to what it actually is that I'm afraid of is that I... don't feel I have a right to speak authoritatively on a topic of which I am not an expert, and I feel extremely uncomfortable drawing attention to myself in a group of people whom I don't know at all, let alone well. I'm afraid of being told I'm wrong, and I'm afraid of the looks I'll get... the judgment I know will come. I hate it.

The last time I did it was in my Humanities class, Freshman year. We had to do art projects and write one page explaining the project and present the project while the prof had the paper in his hands. I wrote in the paper that part of the real reason I did the project on the topic I did, which was landscape photography of the Hillsborough River, was to prove that I could after what almost happened in the park on the Hillsborough River to me several months before. I was nearly attacked by a perverted old man in that park, and escaped only because the guy ran away when he saw me take out and dial a number on my cell phone. It happened in the Winter of 2002. I haven't told many people about it because nothing really happened, but it was traumatic at the time... This project was done that Spring, and at the time I wanted to prove to myself that there was still beauty to be seen there. I put all that in much greater detail in the paper version of my explanation with a note that I did not want to share that with the entire class. But the prof, largely because he was an asshole, asked me specifically about it in such a way that I couldn't answer the question without telling the entire class about it. The looks I got were not something I appreciated.

It's a very vulnerable position, speaking in front of an audience. And I, the control freak that I am, need a certain amount of distance and authority in order to feel comfortable. That's why I don't feel uncomfortable with the idea of teaching a class because in order to get there, I will become an authority on what I am teaching, and besides, I'd be in charge, what I say would go... With a presentation for a class that I'm taking though, I'm not in charge, I have no control, unexpected things can happen to me in ways that I can't anticipate because I'm no good at improvisation. It's potentially humiliating... It makes me very uneasy in the best of circumstances, at worst, I'm terrified... At the moment, I'm somewhere in between. But this is still not the way I wanted things to go today...

Blogger Posts while Blogger was not working...

Here's all the stuff I tried to post in December when the Blogging programs weren't working for me. I'd try and end up with blank posts. So I back-logged them and now that Blogger is working for me again, here they are.

12/08/2005 - All but done with the semester! WooHoo!!

12/09/2005 - "The Straight Dude's Guide to 'Brokeback Mountain'"

posted here in it's entirety from: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10342237/

The straight dude's guide to "Brokeback"

Our intrepid gay columnist has sage advice for his straight brethren
COMMENTARY
By Dave White
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 7:26 p.m. ET Dec. 8, 2005

You are a heterosexual man. And you have no personal beef with gay people. You're educated and fairly socially liberal and occasionally listen to NPR and you don't like to see anyone bashed or discriminated against. You're no homophobe. You're proud of yourself.

But your girlfriend/wife/common-law/female or whoever loves that adorable Jake Gyllenhaal has already stated her intentions. When it's her turn to pick the Saturday night date-movie, you're seeing "Brokeback Mountain."

"But I am a heterosexual man," you''' thinking, "very, very, very, very straight." And you're kind of freaking out as the release date quickly approaches, and even the expression "release date" is making you kind of jittery. You're hoping to remind your female life partner that, while you feel gay people are very wonderful, colorful, witty additions to the human population and that Ellen sure is fun to watch dance in the credit card commercial and that Tom Hanks really deserved that Academy Award for whatever that movie was where he died at the end, that you are very, very, very, very straight and that it should exempt you from seeing Adorable Jake... um... do "it" with Heath Ledger. You really don't even want to know what "it" entails because you've lived this long without finding out. You're thinking the words "red-blooded," as in "I am a red-blooded American male, etc," don't sound so retro anymore.

And yet, you're still going to see it whether you like it or not. This necessarily presents a dilemma: how to make her happy and endure your first gay-themed movie where guys actually make out on a very big screen right in front of your face? And that's where I come in. I'm a red-blooded American male homosexual movie critic who's already seen "Brokeback Mountain." And I could just tell you how great the film is, that it's really powerful and moving and all that, but that isn't what you want to hear. So I have some viewing tips for you, my straight brothers. I promise I'm only here to help...

1. Accept the fact that this is all your fault in the first place. You were the one who was all excited to take your ladyfriend to "Jarhead" anyway and when you got there and saw that it consisted of lot of AJ (how this article will refer to Adorable Jake from here on) running around all sweaty, muscular and shirtless in the desert, doing a sexy dance wearing nothing but a Santa Claus cap over his "area" and then simulating a big gay orgy with his fellow grunts, you were like, "When does the killing start in this movie?" while your woman thought, "Oh yes, more Santa Dancing please." You brought it on yourself.

2. Realize now that you have to shut up. You kind of have no idea how important it is for you to shut up. But it's crucial. I was recently at a press screening for another movie and I overheard four guys in the theater lobby talking about "Brokeback." They were resolute in their refusal to go see it and they couldn't stop loudly one-upping each other about how they had no interest, were not "curious," and were, in the words of the loudest guy in the group, "straight as that wall over there." Oh, the wall with poster for the Big Gay Cowboy Movie on it? That straight wall? Well here's something that everyone else now knows but that guy: he's probably gay. Being silent marks you as too cool to care about how other men see you. It means you're comfortable and not freaked by your own naked shadow. Did Steve McQueen go around squawking about how straight-as-a-wall he was? No, he didn't. He was too busy being stoic and manly.

3. The good news - there's less than one minute of making out. It's about 130 minutes long and 129 of them are about Men Not Having Sex. So yes, maybe it will be the longest almost-60 seconds of your life, but there it is. Less than one minute. In fact, it's 129 minutes of really intense longing and sadness and unabashedly weepy, doomed love story. In a very real way that's a lot more porny than any of the man-on-man canoodling that made it past the editing room. But if you're going to be a big sissy about it then you can go get her that Diet Coke and jumbo popcorn during the first major sex scene. And no plugging your ears and singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb," either. All singing is inherently gay, is why. Plus you'll be in a movie theater and some big bruiser gay guy might kick your butt. Then you'll feel even more emasculated.

4. Remember that it's a western. And the script was adapted by none other than Total Dude Larry McMurtry. That guy is the coolest western writer in the country. He wrote "Lonesome Dove." You love "Lonesome Dove." In fact, the only problem with remembering that it's a western is having to ignore the fact that most westerns are about 1000 percent gay. If you think I'm making that up, just go watch "Red River" again.

5. They're tortured and you get to feel sorry for them. Just like in that Tom Hanks movie, these gay guys get kicked around a lot. It's set in the 1960s and the characters played by Heath and AJ don't even know they're gay. They think they're just regular straight guys who suddenly find themselves all turned on by each other and, honestly, don't even really understand why they're awash in yucky, hypnotic love feelings. Actually wait... you know what? Don't think about that too much. Better if you just forget about the "why" of it all and start rooting for these underdogs. Pretend they're like Sean Astin in "Rudy."

6. Anne Hathaway, who plays AJ's wife, gets topless. The End. I think it's fair to report this and here's why: as a gay man, the only reason I even agreed to sit through the really stupid remake of "The Longest Yard" was because one of my friends told me you get to see the wrestler Goldberg in the shower. In one scene. That's it. I sat through the whole thing for one scene. In that respect, my hetero pals, we are all brothers deep inside... it's just a different brand of naked flesh that ignites our prurience.

7. And finally, it's just your turn. Really, it is, and you know it. Imagine how many thousands of hetero love stories gay people sit through in their lives. So you kind of owe us. Now get out there and watch those cowboys make out.

Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and has a not-all-that-gay blog at www.livejournal.com/users/djmrswhite.
© 2005 MSNBC Interactive

********

I am most amused... I saw this movie last weekend, and while it is almost completely wrong, wrong, wrong... Matt MacFayden was really hot as Darcy, and Keira wasn't as bad as I thought she'd be. This is what happens when I go in with expectations that couldn't be lower, I am usually pleasantly surprised. I thought Matt put in some subtle little looks on Darcy's part when Elizabeth's back was turned that were very telling and a good addition to the smouldering that Colin gave us. It was an interesting interpretation of Darcy at least. And of course, the script comes near to butchering the story... And I don't know what the costumers were thinking. The dress that Bingley's sister is wearing at their ball has straps just slightly wider than spaghetti straps - that can't be right. The women don't even have corsets on for half the movie, and at least half of the time they do, they are the wrong corsets... And there's a line where one of the girls is complaining that the corset being tightened is painful... again... It wasn't Keira this time, but for pity's sake! And there are some distinctly Bronte-esque scenes. And the last scene, while it had me grinning like a mad fool, was total invention of the script writers... But miracle of miracles, Zinzi saw it with us and she *loved* it! Anyone who knows the kinds of movies she usually has that reaction to knows just how amazing that is! 'Cause usually she'd have to be tied down and her eyes would have to be pried open to get her to watch a traditionally romantic movie, let alone something based on one of Jane's novels, but she really liked this, and was even asking me questions about what was going on during certain scenes cause she really wanted to know... Which is something that the filmmakers should have done better! There are parts where I know if I didn't know the story so well, I wouldn't have a clue what was going on, and the dialog is several scenes was unintelligible. On to the amusing article!

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9995610/
The importance of being Darcy
Matthew MacFayden has a tough job filling Colin Firth's smoldering shoes
COMMENTARY
By Mary Beth Ellis
MSNBC contributor
Updated: 10:24 a.m. ET Nov. 11, 2005

I was speaking to an older colleague about the latest essay I was writing; I informed her it concerned a new movie based on "Pride and Prejudice," which she last read at approximately the same time the Earth was first cooling.

And first words out of her mouth were: "Oh! Mr. Darcy!"

Yes, Mr. Darcy. Thanks loads, Jane Austen, for ruining generations of perfectly good women with your ballgowns and your rolling barouches and your Mr. Darcy. Many are the ladies who wait in vain for their own personal, portable Darcy, complete with estate in Derbyshire.

The number has increased since 1995, when Colin Firth took on the role for a BBC miniseries. Colin was Action Figure Darcy. He fences! He swims! He bathes! Naked! He gives and fixes and scowls and rides his horse and just in general Firths all over the place, and we are much the better for it.

He also stares, a lot. There is a great deal of staring on the part of Darcy, mostly at Elizabeth Bennet, who occasionally stares back, which in the Regency era I suppose was the equivalent of text messaging.

A difficult act to follow
Primarily, what sets Colin apart from all other Darcys is his hair. It truly is wonderful hair. The man rides thither and yon - sometimes yon twice in the same scene - and not once does he suffer hathead.

You kind of get the feeling that Darcy, in college, was not a frat boy. He wasn't showing up at your doorstep with Game Cube and a 12-pack of Natural Light and calling it a romantic evening. Darcy would at least change out of the ball cap he had been wearing for the past eight consecutive days first. He's a difficult act to follow.

But now the Lord has now bestowed upon us a new incarnation of Darcy, now played by Matthew MacFayden, which' good luck, Matt. Sometimes actors simply define roles; I cannot imagine Professor Higgins without Rex Harrison, Harold Hill without Robert Preston, or, of course, Larry Gigli without Ben Affleck. So has Colin's stare enamored any number of Austen fans.

It's all in the smolder, you see. For in today's culture, there is little time to smolder; the next episode of "The Apprentice" is roaring down the pike, or the plane is circling the airport yet again, or our cell phone is insistently informing us, via a tinny version of "La Bamba," that our best friend is currently standing 10 feet away - where are we? I don't think modern society loves Elizabeth and Darcy as much as we covet their spare time. House parties would last up to six weeks at a time in the 1880s. Who, outside of Paris Hilton, has that much alcohol on hand?

Among his other fine attributes, Colin Firth's Darcy possesses the ability to selectively bilocate. It really is quite extraordinary; one moment he's brooding on horseback, the next his face is floating to the forefront of Elizabeth's mirror or carriage window, issuing dark, repetitive, and sonorous pronouncements about how very icky he finds her family. "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you - but your mother is horrid and will have to stay in the basement. Dad needs to go too, and I seriously hate your sisters. And how attached are you, really, to the family dog?"

Darcy also maintains quite the respectable crib, and, it's safe to imagine, the most pimped-out carriages available. The driveway alone could serve as a landing strip for the space shuttle. And the pond - all proper estates require a pond. All I have is a sad puddle of warm beer beneath the refrigerator.

And you just know that Darcy gets into all the best clubs, too. He really is the ultimate date. There would be no standing at the hostess station, light-up seating alert device limply in hand for Darcy. No, he walks into Friday's, and he sits right down!

Shall we dance?
Impressive, too, is this whole business of dancing. I welcome any new adaptation of "Pride and Prejudice," Firthed or un-Firthed, so long as the dancing is done properly. People in Regency England didn't dance quite the way we do. There was, for example, precious little grinding. Smoke machines were rarely used. I doubt lasers made much of an appearance. On the other hand - fortunate generation! - everyone was spared the Electric Slide.

Physical contact between unmarried men and women was pretty much limited to a lot of bowing and fan fluttering. In dancing there was a great deal of twirling, which - and I say this as a square dancer from way back - is a lot harder than it sounds. I've thrown off the rotation of the planet with a poorly directed alamand left. But Colin manages this admirably, and with a remarkably small amount of dorkiness. He even skips in a manly manner.

Darcy, however, may not be well suited for the long haul. Once all the smoldering is done - what is there to burn after, really? A really excellent pot roast on Michaelmas, or whatever in the world people yearned for once plights were trothed? I mean, Pemberly is quite the hizzy, but how many chandeliers does one person need?

And is he really the best judge of character? Look at his friends: He hangs out with Wickham, who is the leading candidate as a spokesman for Rohypnol, and the overly smiley Bingley, who never met a pile of dog poop he didn't like. "Colin-as-Darcy," I would say - for I'm sure Colin Firth prefers to be addressed as nothing but - "Colin-as-Darcy, you may stay for as long as you like, but your friends are only allowed inside when I'm off at Pilates class."

However, given the bilocation and the preference for pond-swimming, I suppose I could settle in for a nice life of horses and twirling. An 80-year-old Colin Firth is still far preferable to a 27-year-old Kevin Federline.

Freelance writer Mary Beth Ellis runs http://www.blondechampagne.com/, from whence she leads a merry chase, or plights her troth, or whatever.

© 2005 MSNBC Interactive

************

After working really hard on my Cinxia sweater (pattern can be found here: http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall05/PATTcinxia.html ) for weeks and weeks I found today that it is undoubtedly going to look like crap. I don't know if I made a size too big or what, although I'm making the size according to my exact bust size. And my yarn is the *exact* same gauge as the one the pattern writer used... so I don't get it. I'm almost done with the collar, so I could try it on easily while it was still on the needles... It's not that the fabric is too bulky. It's that there's too much of it in the wrong places. The back of the sweater looks like it's a bed jacket, very loose, almost like a gathered skirt, with no shape at all (I know what you might say, that it was decreased wrong, but I was very careful and counted stitches the whole way at every step and sometimes in between. That is definitely not the issue). The front might look okay after it's blocked, but I can tell there is no hope for the back of it. Which sucks 'cause I was really hoping that it would look like the one pictured at knitty... I might try to make the next size down to see if that was the problem at some point in the future, but for now I have a lot of ripping to do and I'll just move on to something else.

12/13/2005 - Done with exams, thank goodness! I also got my second archaeology paper back from Dr. White. She gave me an 83. I do not think it deserved an 83. Her comments on it indicated that she only seemed to have a problem with one sentence, claiming that it was, in fact, not a sentence. Actually, it is a sentence. I don't write incomplete sentences in academic writing... I even have a hard time managing it in e-mails. Plus, Word would have picked up an incomplete sentence and I would have fixed it. So it is not an incomplete sentence. She also expressed that she would have liked to see me explain "cultural history method" more fully. Personally, I think we're beyond that, but whatever. Other than that, her comments said that it was "very good, but difficult to understand." This is one of the lowest grades I've *ever* gotten on a paper, let alone a paper in college. I admit it was not my best paper, but it did not deserve an 83. An 87 maybe, if one is being particularly nitpicky, but not an 83. I take it as further evidence that Dr. White doesn't like me. Every time I ask her a question, her face takes on an expression like she just tasted or smelled something nasty.

If that weren't enough, when I turned in my exam, there were two stacks of papers facedown in front of her on her desk of approximately the same height. I couldn't tell which one were the exams, so I asked, "Which are the exams?" with a smile. She rolled her eyes, snatched my test out of my hand and with a small disgusted noise, put it on the correct pile. I blinked and left the room. I may have slammed the door (I was the second to last to finish and the other person was handing her the test when I did that, so I didn't bother anyone but her). Her behavior was entirely uncalled for. I'm at a loss as to what I did that so offended her this semester. It's very true that she told me around midterms that she wanted me to participate more in class discussions and that I didn't really do that because I hadn't a thing to say, but honestly? Where's the professionalism on her part? So if I get a B in her class, I put it entirely on her because in any other professor's standards, I've given A work or near enough to it all semester.

I'm lucky that this is only the second prof that has been this unprofessional toward me. The first one was Dr. David Underwood, professor of Humanities. He was untenured and let go a semester after I had his class, I think it was because our entire class (and probably his other classes too) wrote very long complaints about him during the instructor evaluation. We were all very vocal about it, since he was not in the room while we were writing them and they went straight to the Dean's office for review, reminding each other of shitty things he had done, not missing a thing. But he was unprofessional with the entire class (although I do think I got a B in there specifically because he didn't like me). He was one of those sleazy kinds of guys who would flirt with the blonde sorority girls. I e-mailed him asking if he could let me know what grade he had given me on our class journal project and he never e-mailed me back. All other grades indicated that I should have had a solid A and the journal grade was supposed to be based on completion, not content, and it was complete, so I don't know what could have happened other than he gave me a B because he didn't like me or I was very blatant about my disgust for him. And since the only grade that prof's are prohibited by the school to give by e-mail are final exam grades, he had no legitimate reason not to e-mail me. To put it simply, he sucked.

I am *so* over all the bs at USF! Thank G-d this semester is over! ::sighs:: Now, on to preparing for the holidays!

*******

OMG! Joe Redner has just publicly announced to the Tampa community that he's gay and that that's why he's suing the county in Federal court for discrimination. He said that no one can prove that he is and no one can prove that he isn't, but that the reason that his previous suit over the County Commission prohibiting the recognition and funding of Gay Pride events was thrown out of court was that because the prohibition did not directly impact him... which is bs if you ask me... but since he's publicly announced this, the suit can't be thrown out for that reason again... So it's entirely possible and (knowing him) probable that he's just saying this so he can sue, although he says that he isn't lying about it because that would perjury. One might point out that he owns at least three all female strip clubs in Hillsborough County along with others in NYC and Las Vegas... Not to mention, this guy is like a hometown version of Hefner. Despite that, I still love this guy just cause he's such a thorn in a lot of conservative politicians' sides down here, and would have voted for him to get a City Council seat the last several times he's tried for it if I could have (unfortunately, I'm not a resident of the city). For more on that, see my post from earlier this year on this case.

In reaction, Rhonda Storms, the leading bigot on the Commission, said that the reason they can and should prohibit public money and authorities from supporting Pride events is because "[gays] are not a legally protected minority." Well, Rhonda, the Jews weren't protected by law in Germany either, but that sure as hell didn't make the Holocaust okay. (I know Jon Stewert has said that we really need to stop jumping to the Hitler/Holocaust analogy because it demeans the evilness of Hitler and the seriousness of the Holocaust, but it's the first analogy that pops into my head and one that is readily recognized by the most people. Sorry, Jon.)

In other news, there is a group of people trying to get Gay/Straight Alliances (a GSA) banned from high schools in Hillsborough County. They have petitioned the School Board to take care of that. The School Board however has put together a commission to study non-academic clubs at all high schools cause it doesn't want to get sued. Pretty much, it's looking like if they ban the GSAs, they will be banning the Chess Club, Star Trek Club, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and all the rest too. I don't think that they will. I hope that they won't. If the Blake High School GSA is still as large and active as it was the year I left, they'll probably have representatives, at least, show up at the January School Board meeting, where the Board will be reviewing the commission's findings. I know Equality Florida and the local GLSEN people will be there.

The parents that are protesting it probably don't even know what a GSA is... They say that they don't want their minor children participating in a GSA and think no minor children should be in a club that focuses on sex. Well, I'll have them know that sex has nothing to do with it. It's about charity events, peer counseling, and awareness programs within the school to educate the student body that there really is no difference between gay and straight high school students and people in general, and most importantly, there is no reason to harass or make fun of students who are different. We had to fight for it at Blake, despite the school being affectionately known by some as "Bi High" and that students from other high schools at sporting events and the like would often ask students from Blake, "So, you go to Blake? Does that mean you're gay?" The principal did everything he could to block the GSA from forming, up to and including intimidating the faculty against sponsoring the club, and that I know is a fact because a faculty member admitted that to me. Finally, in my senior year, the efforts of Bryan (aka "Big Gay Bryan," the president) and Jorel (the VP and a total hottie) paid off and we found a sponsor that wasn't intimidated by our principal and we had at least 45 people at our inaugural meeting. Even in the 2000/2001 yearbook it said, "The GSA is not as new as some people would like to think." I don't remember ever talking about sex in that club. We didn't even take a census of which students were gay, which were bi, which were straight, and which were questioning, but we were supportive if it came up in the course of our usual activities. As far as I remember, the big thing that year was getting teachers to participate in our "Safe Place" campaign, which meant that they would put stickers in their front classroom windows next to the door to show students being bullied or harassed in the halls could feel safe about taking refuge in their classrooms. Now, that might sound like an obvious thing, something all teachers would want to be a part of, but it's not. We worked hard and only got a few out of dozens of teachers to post the stickers. We also had a number of members participate in the Tampa AIDS Walk that year. The year after I left, when I was a Freshman in college, the GSA at Blake grew to such an extent that they had to hold meetings in the cafeteria because there were no classrooms large enough to fit everyone who wanted to be a part of it.

12/14/2005 - Heard that Colin Farrell is in rehab for exhaustion and dependency on prescription drugs. Poor darling. He needs to sleep more. He's said before that he has had chronic insomnia since he was a child, it was only a matter of time before it caught up to him. He also works way *too* much and knows it. His publicist has released info on how the addiction came about. He injured his back several months ago and was prescribed pain killers for it and has become dependent. At least he was responsible enough to catch himself fairly early and didn't let it go on for years. In somewhat related news, 30 Seconds to Mars has had to cancel some of their show dates because Jared has injured his back. Poor darling... Probably climbed one too many towers or something...

Grad school & dissertation defenses

Anybody have any experience with dissertation defenses? I've been thinking about what it would actually entail and...

Have I mentioned before that I have horrendous, petrifying stage fright? The only "D" I ever got in my entire life was the direct result of my outright, steadfast, obstinate refusal to stand in front of a class to do my French oral exams the entire last semester of my high school Freshman year because I was so traumatized by the first one I had to do. My teacher, Dr. Groux, tried to embarrass me into capitulating by announcing to the entire class each time I elected to take a zero and publicly detailing the consequences of my actions, but I still wouldn't do it. Mind you, I got an A on that first one, but I just *couldn't* do it again. People said the entire morning that I was looking like I was about to be led to my execution or something, all white as a sheet, glassy-eyed and shaking. My heart was also pounding so hard I thought it would burst and my throat felt like it was closing up, and when it was all over, I went back to a desk at the back of the room and cried for like 20 minutes. I actually scared my classmates. My whole class talked about it for like *days* afterward, people asking if I was okay... people I didn't even know... Three people *in another grade* came up to me on the bus even, saying that they had heard about it and had been praying for me. But that's all the details I can give about it without having flashbacks (not as hyperbolic a statement as I'd like it to be).

Even before the horror stories I've heard from Zinzi and some of my professors, just the thought of doing a dissertation defense made me feel nervous as hell... Now, I just feel like I'm going to burst into tears, faint or have a nervous breakdown, or all three, every time I think about it. Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who can ignore the unpleasant eventualities and focus on the other details right up to the last second... like the reason why I'd have to go through that in the first place... to get those nice little letters added to the end of my name, "MA" and "PhD," to increase my monetary earnings by a significant percentage, and just to get to do all the things one with a PhD gets to do (one must admit it opens a lot of doors). No, no, I've got to dwell and brood over my worst fears...

Mom keeps saying that I need to just say to myself that "my dissertation committee would just be trying to help me" over and over again... She thinks that even if it's not true, if I convince myself of it, I'll be able to to it. That works up to a point... Then I remember what certain profs have said about ripping apart candidates' dissertations at the defense just to see if they can get them to flinch and that argument starts to loose merit... and the mantra turns into "my dissertation committee is going to kill me" or something like it. In addition to the mantra, Mom has also suggested anti-anxiety meds, but I have, as some would delicately put it, personal "opinions" on medication for non-organic problems... She would have suggested therapy too, since she seems to think it's one of the best things *ever*, but she knows better, having suggested it a few times before for other issues of my adolescence and, as a result, didn't hear the end of it for *weeks* afterward. Needless to say, I took the very suggestion as a grave insult, nevermind that she was just trying to help. Though intellectually I know that therapy has helped many people through problems and some people even *need* it in order to function, I can't help but insist that I don't, come hell or high water... I could detail a number of reasons why because I am self-aware enough to know why I think this way, but that might be getting a little too far inside my head for my own peace of mind in such a potentially public venue.

Now, some might say I should worry about finishing my BA first... or maybe worry about getting into grad school first, or even topics, before worrying about a defense, but I just can't seem to worry about any of those things. I'm going to get my BA, it's just a matter of when. And there's going to be *some* grad program *somewhere* that will take me, even if not one of my top picks, though I don't even think that will be much of a problem, so I'm not worrying about that. And I have a list as long as my arm of topics I'd like to research and write on, and narrowing research topics and academic writing has *never* been a problem for me. It's actually one of my strengths. So my next thing to worry about is the defense... Enter my extreme performance anxiety, et voila! The problem and I panic. Because what would be the point of going through all the trouble of grad school and dissertations if I couldn't get my degrees because of this? 'Cause until I convince myself emotionally that it's not going to kill me (cause while intellectually I know it won't, that really is the level of gut-wrenching fear I'm dealing with here), I don't see all that much point in trying. And yet, it's still something I feel I need to do... to bide my time 'til I figure out what I'm going to do with my life and/or I get my "MRS degree" (a suggestion and term I first heard in a Sociology class much to the horror of my Sociology prof. She was even more scandalized that no one in the class found the idea particularly offensive, but that's a whole 'nuther subject), if for no other reasons. But I'd also just generally like to get at least an MA with the possibility of going on to my PhD, just to have it, if one can understand that.

So, what I think I need to know is people's practical advise and first-hand experience dealing with this sort of thing, grad school and dissertation defenses... procedure, preparation, how much of it is just the formality of arcane & archaic tradition, etc. Not sensational exceptions to the rule, which I'm hoping is all I've heard thus far, but rather, what one would generally expect... Anybody out there willing to help me out?

::squee!::

I got my first letter from a university to "encourage [me] to consider applying for admission to the graduate program in history." It's from Florida State University. How cool! ::claps excitedly:: Gonna have to start checking in to these things pretty soon.

Updates and a link

Sorry I haven't written anything lately... Been pretty busy the last few days. Figured I should write something while my facial is drying.

The pond in the backyard is about halfway done. It's all dug out. Now, it just needs to be lined and filled with water, plants and fish... I've got blisters though and that won't do because one can always tell a lady by her hands, although in my defense (unlike Scarlett) I *was* wearing gloves. So finishing that will have to wait until tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day. (Who saw "Gone With the Wind" far too often at apparently too young an age?... Me! Me!)

I can't remember if I mentioned it yet, but I got a B on my Geology midterm and an A on both my Archaeology midterm and paper. WooHoo!! Quite happy about that. I'll be able to register for Spring semester classes on Nov. 16th. Don't know what I'm taking yet because once again there are like *no* Medieval history classes being offered... Professor Hughey and I must be the only people in the school who care about Medieval history. ::sighs:: I'm going to try to do an independent study so I can get my upper level credits finished. And then there's two options: foreign language (which is almost definitely out because they aren't offering many beginning levels this semester unless I want more French, which I don't because it will require 4 more credits than I need to take it and that's like $400 I don't need to give USF), or the History exit requirements. I'm going in to talk to my MIA advisor next week come hell or high water or both. And that's that.

And as I promised some people a while ago, here is a link for the "Very Secret Diaries" written by Lord of the Rings fan Cassandra Claire: http://homepages.nyu.edu/~amw243/diaries/ The diaries are a work of parody, all in good fun, but they are *definitely* not appropriate for children. And for the sake of continuity, they should be read in the order in which they are listed going left to right. Also, best if read when one is in the mood for something funny. If you're not, you might just think it's really dumb... which it probably is, but it can be really funny too...

::fanfare:: Hear ye! Hear ye!

Midterms are officially over!

::ecstatic cheering a la Kermit the Frog at the beginning of "The Muppet Show"::

::big sigh of relief:: I am so glad that's all done with. I crammed most of the day and just finished my Geology midterm with 16 minutes to spare. It was an online test, covering 10 chapters (almost 300 pages), 80 questions in 90 minutes. There was less than 2 minutes left on that clock, but it had to be completely finished by 12 midnight, no matter what time it was started, and I finished at precisely 11:44pm. Nice thing about an online exam is that the program grades it right away so there's no waiting to see how well or badly you did. I got an 82.5, which is a B... I'm told also that my Prof rounds up, so it will be probably go into the book as an 83. If I get a high enough grade on the pre-final exam, I won't have to take the final. I still don't know what my Archaeology midterm grades are. I'll probably find out tomorrow.

Also, Knitty has their Fall issue surprises up. Since I didn't get a contest notification, I guess I didn't win anything, although the honorable mentions are still not up. The new stuff can be found here: http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall05/PATTpumpkins.html , http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall05/PATTbits.html , http://knitty.com/ISSUEfall05/PATTyorick.html .