Sunday, January 29, 2006

Once more with feeling...

So I've come to the conclusion that I don't know what I'm doing... about anything and with anything... Have not a clue in the world... And I'm in the process of reasoning my way to being okay with that. I mostly mean grad school, the future and even what I'm doing right this second in school. 'Case you hadn't guessed, school is pretty much the ever-present concern. You know, it's scary when you feel like you're drowning whenever you think of your own life... And if I don't distract myself sufficiently, that's pretty much how I feel way more of the time than feels healthy for my mental well-being. I don't know how people with more obligations to family and work manage, honestly... But I think that most of my issues with my whole world manifest in my concerns over school.

Talked it over with mom though and I think some of it - hopefully *a lot* of it though because this is relatively easy to fix - stems from me feeling very fragmented right now... like I have two and maybe even three separate lives that I'm having a hard time reconciling, simply because I'm the only connection I have between them. Those being my life at home and my life with my birth family, and my life where school is concerned is the possible third. This is no one's fault and nothing could have prevented it and it's all okay. I had thought that knowing of my adoption all my life would have kept me from having any "odd" feelings when I finally found Susan and my family there, but apparently, it hasn't. I've read before that adoptees pretty much always have a lot of unexpected, unpredictable, complex, unique-to-their-situation, and yet totally valid emotions and feelings about things relating to their adoption, so I really shouldn't have been as surprised by it as I was. I feel I was well-prepared for a reunion and it has been better than I ever expected in my wildest imaginings, but as I said, nothing could have prevented or predicted the feeling that my life has been fragmented. However, I welcome this feeling, because I totally believe that from it, I'll gain something even better. So, as Susan says, "It's all good."

That being said, I'd been having a hard time getting that feeling to gel into something I could articulate for at least six months and possibly longer, so it's good that I've figured that much out *and* talked about it (always makes me feel better). Because of this, I've decided not to take classes this summer either, something that USF and my advisors will not like and think is dumb... I can see my advisors' frowns already, but to be perfectly frank, they can bite me for all I care. I'm going to work on other things that are even more important than school, like myself and my direction and reconciling my life to name a few, do some independent study for independent study's sake and explore some possibilities. Mom says she's been dying to take a vacation from Tampa since the remod on the house started and so we're going to take one and multi-task over several weeks. Basically, this is the preliminary plan... We're going to the Carolinas sometime after May 25th and before the first week of August. While we're there, 1.) we're going to spend some time with Susan and everyone there, 2.) my parents will also be using the time to check into different places and see the kind of areas they may want to buy some acreage in, and 3.) we're going to look into the schools that I've got high on my list while we're at it (right now, this means AppState because as I understand it is so far, this would come as close to my perfect school as I'm going to get). Sounds like a pretty good plan to me...

In other very important news, I'm working on knitting historic patterns for Susan to sell on her site, http://www.plainlysimple.com/ . Quite excited about that...

I'm also looking into making soaps and herby/flowery things since our garden is getting so extensive. We can't even use all the herbs we produce now, let alone how many we will be producing this summer... Figured this would be an excellent use for them and a way to make me some money and make me feel productive and meaningful. All good... Mom *did* react just as I suspected she would when I mentioned the word "lye" though... so, I know if I go that particular route and don't use pre-made basic soaps, I'll be doing it outside, somehow, while wearing a gasmask and hazmat gear if she's got a thing to do with it. (I exaggerate not. She's a chemist. She knows how dangerous lye is...) So, I'm going to be looking into the pre-made basic soaps... probably vegetarian... Don't know how practical it will be to pay for it pre-made when the ingredients seem to be so much cheaper, but I'm looking into it for her sake... and ultimately mine 'cause I'd really like to figure out some way to do this. (Susan? What kind of market do you figure is out there via your site for yummy herby handmade soaps? I mean, what do you think would be a good trial amount to test the market with so I don't go overboard? Like, how many bars and what kind would be most appealing to your customer base, do you think? ... since I have a real tendency to go overboard with this sort of thing...)

2 comments:

sophronia_ said...

hey there,
you know, i got an hysterically funny mental image of you in hazmat gear over your normally sensible clothing, in the kitchen, bending over your great pot of soap-soup, stirring gently and humming contentedly.
it *is* all good, you know. horrified to read about josh, hope he will be fine. was wonderful to have you here. i'll write to you more about fragmentation, albeit privately, i think. i can honestly say i believe it is a normal part of becoming an adult. so many people --whether or not they were adopted --experience it between 20 & 30. weaving it all together and learning what parts to leave behind (or pick up later) is akin to the medieval crusade, perhaps.
love you! do take care, and yes, there is certainly a market out there for wonderful herbal skin care --soaps, lotions, potions, what have you. will check with the nice lady at The Raven's Nest in the Mall to make sure we are on top of all the fed regs on selling it. (she makes her own, too.)

Rachael said...

Wonderful! Please do check with her. As I put in my most recent post on the subject, I plan to use all natural stuff, and I'll keep a careful account of what goes into all the bases and what additives are in each bar of soap. I'm also planning on making up some hand cream and other goodies that don't require lye until I get all the equipment I need for that. I got the recipes out of another one of your wonderful books. And the mental image you described was exactly what I was going for... and pretty much how I'll look, but not in the kitchen. I'll be making soap in the backyard over a hotplate, but 's all good. I figure it'll make it all the more authentic since that's how they made soap in the old days (except over a fire and not a hotplate...).